I masturbated for the first time in 1998, I was six then, I just knew touching my genitals felt so good, till date still can’t figure out how I knew that was a source of pleasure. I am sure one of the many homes I was passed around to when I was growing up or one of the numerous cousins or nannies must have fondled with my genitals, thus, leaving an imprint in my mind. I would never know for sure.
Hi everyone, I would like to be anonymous for certain reasons.
I am a 23 year old lady who has had more than her fair share of life dished to her in such a short time. I masturbated for the first time in 1998, I was six then, I just knew touching my genitals felt so good, till date still can’t figure out how I knew that was a source of pleasure. I am sure one of the many homes I was passed around to when I was growing up or one of the numerous cousins or nannies must have fondled with my genitals, thus, leaving an imprint in my mind. I would never know for sure.
My journey down the lesbianism path started pretty early. I was 9, a cousin of ours, she was fifteen then, at night she would fondle me and with time I did all things imaginable. This went on till I was 11. Then she went back to her parents house. But every time she came back for a visit, even when I was 16, we always hit the sack. There were also episodes of nannies wanting to do same to me. Even in Jss 1, my seat partner and also another girl in Jss3. It was like I attracted them to me. Like mere seeing me, they knew I was their spec.
I am from a very broken home, no one to tell, and as the first child, I had to swallow my pains and act tough for my siblings. I couldn’t bear to look broken the way I felt inside. One thing about making sure your kids are exposed to Christ very early is that it enables them tell right from wrong. I always felt guilty, very guilty. After every encounter, I would make promises to God, take vows and keep going back for forgiveness. The height was doing same thing with one of my junior sisters. Till date I forever feel bad but this is the first time I have been able to say it out of my system. I hope one day I would be able to ask her for forgiveness. Lord knows what traumas she would be dealing with inside, she was six or seven years old at that time. But after then I knew I was tired, by Ss1 I knew I was tired of it all, but as usual when my cousin visits, I am right back to where I started.
All this time, I had never had anything to do with a guy. I got to university, joined fellowships, decided none of that stuff was going to happen, even had a boyfriend by the end of second semester. In university there were girls who came at me, in my fourth year I fell into the temptation but I felt so filthy, so dirty. It ended. There have been temptations but I told God what I wanted. I wanted it to stop. It took staying with four girls for one year to test if my case was over. Not once did I do anything with any of them, even the thought did not cross my mind.
Why this long story? People say once you go gay, you can’t go straight… I am a living breathing example of one who has been there and back and by God’s grace, I am not going back there. Those years of feeling guilty, feeling filthy are so behind me.
I was with a couple of guys recently and they kept pointing to girls they thought were lesbians and kept saying it’s always written over the girls that are. Inside me I smiled, cause I knew God had done a perfect job, that mark, that brand, that stain has been washed off me. I am a lady who has suffered physical, mental, sexual abuse but I am not like my struggles, I don’t even look like anything have been through… it’s God and nothing more.
There are temptations once in a while… Girls from my past but I have learnt the skill of avoidance or claiming being busy, if you can’t fight temptation, you can as well FLEE from it.
I thank God for His continued work in my life and I know he is not done with me yet. And to anyone out there who feels he/she cannot get out of it, just remember God is not done with you yet. He is ready whenever you are, to do his wondrous works in your life.
Thanks for your patience and time and I hope someone somewhere got motivated to turn around today. Maybe one day I will be able to write on other parts of my life that has seen hell but came out winning.
God bless you all.
Anonymous.
Post credit: Imperfectly Perfect Lives Blog
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